Advice From The source
by Adenil
Summary: McCoy goes to Spock for advice. What kind of advice? Why, dating advice of course! SpCoy


Rated T for teen, due to multiple sexual references. (mostly euphemisms.)

McCoy goes to Spock for advice. What kind of advice? Why, dating advice of course! SpCoy (that's Spock/McCoy)

--

"Spock, I need some advice."

Spock glanced up from the PADD he was reading and fixed Doctor McCoy with an even gaze. "About what, Doctor?"

McCoy sat down at the table, directly across from Spock. The lunchroom was empty except for them. A direct result of the bridge crew working a strange eleven hour shift.

"About relationships."

Spock raised an eyebrow quizzically, giving a mental _fascinating _before answering. "Why would you come to me for such advice? I had previously assumed you did not agree with my brand of logic."

McCoy nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, believe me I don't. But there aren't a lot of people you can go to, you know. And Jim is terrible at this sort of thing."

Spock's other eyebrow skyrocketed. "I had thought he was considered a "ladies man?""

"Sure," McCoy shrugged. "If all you want to do is knock boots with them. That's what he always suggests anyway."

"Knock… boots?"

"You know, the horizontal Mambo, baking cookies, throwin another log on the fire…?" He trailed off at Spock's incredulous look. "Of for—have sex!"

Spock nodded once, sharply. "I see. And you do not want to have sex with this person?"

"Well, sure I do, but not on the first date. Actually, the first date it the state I want to achieve." He made a gesture with one hand. "That would be awesome."

Spock shook off the Doctors strange use of out dated colloquialisms and nodded. "And you came to me for advice…?"

"Right, so, you're pretty popular with the ladies. How do you get it done?"

"I do not believe I am that "popular with the ladies" as you put it." Spock blinked and consulted his PADD again.

"Sure ya are its just Kirk usually works his way in before they can jump your bones." McCoy smiled reassuringly at him.

"Jump—?"

"Another euphemism." McCoy told him. "You really need to catch up on your old-earth saying so you know what I'm talking about."

"Indeed. I do not believe I have acted any differently towards any of my—" Spock paused, momentarily unsure of what to say.

"I know what you mean, go on."

"I do not act any differently than I would to you or any one else."

McCoy leaned back, thinking. Spock could almost see him chalk that up in the "win" category.

"So what you're saying is that you argue with them and ignore everything they do or say."

Spock grimaced. "No, I do not do that."

"Well then you certainly treat them differently than me!" McCoy still grinned good-naturedly. "So… how differently?"

Spock sighed. "Perhaps if you told me the identity of the woman you wish to copulate with I could be of more assistance."

McCoy's smile didn't slip, but his eyes lost their shine. "Now where's the fun in that?" He evaded the question masterfully.

Spock nodded. Clearly he would be getting no where with this human. "Then I do not believe I can assist you any more than I already have."

"Well… when should I make a move?"

"How long have you known this person?" Spock was very careful to no longer use masculine or feminine pronouns, because he was suddenly unsure which would be correct.

"Four years. As long as I've been on the ship."

So it was not a new arrival. Spock mentally compiled a list of all the people that had been on the _Enterprise _since day one. "And you have been wished to form a relationship with them…?"

"Almost as long."

Spock nodded, and shortened the list to those McCoy came into contact with on a semi-regular basis. The list was still quite long. "Perhaps you should voice your feelings and see if they share similar feelings for you."

McCoy nodded slowly. "Ya see, I could do that, but I rather like having all my vital organs and if they _don't _agree then I'm up a creek without a paddle."

Spock noted McCoy's improper use of pronouns and filed it away. He also ignored the saying he didn't understand. "Do you believe they would not return your feelings?"

"Oh, most certainly not." McCoy still grinned, which was rather off putting to Spock.

"Then I do not see why you would wish to form a relationship with this person." Spock had abandoned his PADD to rest on the table. He was now completely engrossed with McCoy's dating woes.

"Because if they did return my feelings it would be…" McCoy paused, visibly searching for words. "Amazing." He shrugged, unable to come up with anything more descriptive.

"Then I do not see any alternative but to asses their feelings and go from there." Spock paused. "Perhaps you could find out through a third party how they felt."

He laughed. "What is this, High school? I don't think that would go over so well, Spock."

Spock nodded somberly. "I see. Than I am afraid I do not know what I can tell you. I have exhausted my stores of advice in this area."

The Doctor looked crestfallen. "Oh," he said.

"Indeed. Perhaps consulting Captain Kirk would be in your best interest?"

McCoy leaned forward and rested his chin on one hand, tapping out a beat with his finger. "But he always asks embarrassing questions."

Spock nodded, feeling McCoy's pain. He had been on the wrong side of Kirk's questioning more then once. "Perhaps I can assist you in using logic for this problem?"

He perked up. "Now we're talking. What have you got for me?"

Spock folded his hands in front of him, staring intently at the good Doctor. "It will require I ask some embarrassing questions of you, and of them."

"Well, you can't meet them so you'll just have to ask me." McCoy was starting to look a little nervous, but quickly wiped it away in place of a glowing smile.

"Do you see this person often?"

"Does every day count?"

Spock nodded, and his mental list was reduced by eighty percent. "Do they go out of their way to socially interact with you?"

McCoy paused. "Well… I think so."

"You think so?"

"It's kinda hard to tell sometimes," was all he could say.

Spock nodded. This information did little to his list, except remove one bridge ensign. Spock decided this was taking to long, and dove right in. "Is it a man or woman?"

McCoy twitched. "Man."

Bingo. Spock's list was reduced drastically, now only four people remained: Kirk, Scotty, Sulu, and himself. He decided to ignore the last on the list. "Has he ever shown any interest in men?" Spock knew humans had trouble coming to grips with natural Homosexuality, unlike Vulcans.

McCoy spread his hands out. "Not that I've noticed."

"And you would have noticed?"

"Well, yeah." He blushed a brilliant red.

Kirk and Sulu flew off the list. It was a know fact that Sulu pined for Chekov, and Kirk showed interest in anything with legs. This left him with a list full of names that started with 's.'

Spock didn't particularly like where his list making was going.

McCoy seemed oblivious to Spock's mental figuring's. He simply sat and smiled softly, waiting for Spock to continue.

"Has he shown undue attention to women?"

"Yes, a few times that I've noticed."

"And you would notice."

"Yep."

Spock's list was now a list of one. He could recall only one time Scotty had cared for a woman. "Perhaps… you should share your feelings with him."

"Where's the logic in that, Spock?" McCoy continued to grin and Spock had the sudden feeling that he had been had. McCoy had been stringing him along the entire time.

"I am a creature of logic, Doctor. I do know that Humans have a great deal of trouble coming to grips with natural Homosexuality." Spock used his thought from earlier to prove a point. "Vulcans have no such qualms."

"Oh," McCoy fidgeted. "Well, that's handy. What do you base your… you know, on?"

"Vulcans do not choose their mates, their mates are chosen for them. However, once the illogic of the mating drive is satisfied, a Vulcan is free to make his or her own decision on who he or she wishes to be life bonded to." Most of what Spock said was true. What was also true was that mates were chosen based on guess work about the child's sexual preferences. Sometimes the guesses were wrong.

"Neat," McCoy did not elaborate further.

They sat for a moment, teetering between companionable and uncomfortable silence.

"I still don't think walking up and kissing him would be a good idea." McCoy said finally. "Maybe a little proof that he didn't hate my guts…" He trailed off wistfully.

Spock stood up. McCoy jumped nervously. Spock walked around the table with slow, deliberate steps. He paused just in front of the Doctor.

"Please stand."

McCoy rose nervously. "You know, maybe—" He was cut off as Spock showed just how little he hated McCoy's guts.

This kiss was over in a moment. Spock withdrew, suddenly nervous that his list-making had gone horribly wrong at some point and he had come up with the wrong answer. The look on McCoy's face erased his fears.

McCoy grinned up at him, laughing happily. "I knew you had the best advice."

Spock quirked an eyebrow. "Indeed."

--

END

There ain't no more no more, there ain't no more no way!


End file.
